


Behind My Face and Above My Throat

by Marranje



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Happy Ending, Insomnia, M/M, Mentions of Anxiety, Tinnitus, i guess?, mentions of depression, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-23 06:07:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23006923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marranje/pseuds/Marranje
Summary: Dan has troubles sleeping when Phil is out of town.CW: detailed desciptions of tinnitus and sounds.Heed the tags.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	Behind My Face and Above My Throat

**Author's Note:**

> first of all, to all of the people i just made aware of their tinnitus or other sounds, i'm _so_ sorry.
> 
> disclaimer: 1. title is from tøp's "migraines". while i don't have migraines, i do find a lot of the lyrics very relatable. 2. this is based loosely on my own experience with tinnitus, and is of course not how everyone experience it. 3. this is a fanwork, and is in no way meant to represent real life. you know the drill.
> 
> on with the story, enjoy!

**waging my wars behind my face and above my throat**

It was dark in the room. Objectively, he knew it was quiet as well. He had turned the radiator off, it didn't rain, and the album he had put on had stopped playing a while ago. The only thing that could be heard was the occasional passing car and the sound of Dan’s own breath.

Silence.

For Dan, though, it was anything but silent. A high-pitched noise seemed to fill the room, like the squeal of an old telly – except, covering his ears was useless. The noise wasn’t in his room; it didn’t come from some external source. No, _this_ sound was the creation of his own twisted brain, tormenting him, and keeping him up at night.

Dan had had tinnitus since his late teens, but at this point, he couldn’t remember a time he didn’t have it. It was familiar, in a way. Like an old acquaintance that just wouldn’t leave him alone, always knocking on his door with the worst possible timing. And he was forced to welcome them in, because ignoring them wasn’t an option.

He remembered how it first started, even if couldn’t remember exactly when. The constant ringing in his ear, and his first sleepless night. He remembered being so afraid. Afraid it would never end. That it would get worse. That it would last forever. He didn’t really think that way anymore. It never got much worse, except now it was both ears, rather than just the one. He had come to terms with the fact that he would always be plagued by noise whenever the room was quiet enough for him to hear his own breath.

It was something he had learnt to accept, and learnt to live with. There was nothing he could do about it, anyway.

Luckily, it wasn't sometime he was always aware of. He didn't even notice it most of the time, which was a blessing. He wasn’t sure he would have been able to take it if it was a 24/7 thing. During daytime, when he was out running errands, or Phil was rummaging in the kitchen, or the soundtrack from a video game played in the background, it was easy to forget. The noise of everyday life was enough to keep the noise in his mind at bay.

It was the silence he couldn't stand. Dan had never understood people relishing in complete silence. As if it was something peaceful. _Calming_ and _relaxing_. The older generation always complained of the constant noise of modern-day society. Traffic, music, construction work. Never a moment of peace.

Dan couldn’t relate. For him, sound was the only escape.

He put his palms over his ears, massaging them softly. It briefly gave him another something else to focus on, drowning out the noise in his mind. He didn’t know the mechanism of it, but during the day, it would often make the chiming go away for a moment, or even completely. It was less helpful at night-time, though, when there was nothing else to focus on than his own desperate yearn for sleep.

Between his depression, anxiety, and tinnitus, it was safe to say that sleep didn’t come easy for Dan. In fact, each one of them had a tendency to make the other two even worse, making sleep even more unobtainable. He often found that the tinnitus got worse when he was depressed, making him more anxious, which stressed him out, fuelling the tinnitus even more. It was a vicious circle.

It had gotten so bad at one point, that he had even contacted his doctor. They hadn’t been very helpful, as there wasn’t actually anything they could do to help. He didn’t have any damage to his hearing and he was barely 20 at that point, which ruled out any issues with his ears. Stress, they said; his tinnitus was most likely caused by stress. In the end, they had sent him home after basically telling him to stop being so stressed out, which was easier said than done when you have been in a state of existential crisis since age 15.

At least they had confirmed that tinnitus was a very real thing that many people dealt with all around the world. Dan held onto that as a life-line whenever his mind was being particularly mean, because in his darkest hours, he would even question his sanity. The noise was literally in his mind, so who was to say whether it was real or not? Whining, ringing, screeching, chiming, louder and louder, until he couldn't take it anymore. That's when he would start wondering, was he finally losing it? It was a rare occurrence these days, after so many years of living with tinnitus, but even now, he still couldn't stop himself from doubting himself every now and then.

Dan turned to his side and opened his eyes, only to find Phil’s empty spot on the other side of their bed. The room seemed even quieter without Phil’s calm breathing. Honestly, it was a shame he didn’t snore. That ought to have kept Dan’s ears occupied. Alas, the only sounds Phil made in his sleep were soft breathing noises, the occasional mutter, and the sound of his heart-beat. Sometimes, when he had trouble sleeping, Dan would lie down with his head on Phil’s chest, listening to his heart.

Falling asleep was easier with Phil there. But Phil wasn’t here tonight, and the room was impossibly quiet, making the sound of Dan’s goddamn brain even louder. He squeezed his eyes shut again.

_Please, let me sleep. Please, let me sleep._

He gave up at some point just past 4 AM.

When Phil eventually came home the next day (or rather, later that morning), Dan had miraculously fallen asleep on the sofa to the buzzing of whatever Netflix series he had put on.

The slam of the front door woke him. “Hey, Dan!” Phil shouted from the hallway.

Dan didn’t have the time to get himself together before he responded, and his hello came out as a hoarse grunt. He blinked the sleep out of his eyes and cleared his throat.

Phil entered the living room, and just the sight of him made Dan smile. “Welcome home,” he croaked.

Phil laughed. “Did you fall asleep on the sofa again?”

“Might have.”

He must have noticed the dark circle under his eyes or his generally reduced state, because the smile on his face slipped away. “Are you okay?”

Dan sighed. “Not really. Didn’t sleep last night.”

“At all?”

He shook his head.

“Bad day?” The concern in Phil’s gaze was evident.

“No, it was fine. Tinnitus,” he said. God, he couldn’t have slept for more than a couple of hours.

“Oh, Dan, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Dan gave him a half-hearted smile. Fuck, he was tired.

Phil moved his bag over to his other shoulder. “I should take a shower. I’ll be back in a moment.” Then he was gone. Dan fell back on the sofa again.

The Netflix series he had been watching last night had stopped running, and a screen saver was displayed on the scream instead. It was quiet. For real this time, because the chiming was gone. He tried his best to keep his mind off of it, knowing exactly what would happen if he started thinking too much about it. That’s the thing with sounds – they’re only hard to bear when you’re aware of them. Like the ticking of a clock. Completely fine until you actually notice it.

The shower started running in the bathroom, and Dan made an effort to focus on the sound of it. It was calming, in a way. He wasn’t home alone anymore. Phil was there, and in a moment, he would come out and be with Dan.

The mild ache of his empty stomach eventually pulled him out of his sleepy thoughts. He got off the sofa with a groan, and headed for the kitchen to make himself some cereal. God, he was _so_ tired. He glanced at the clock, which confirmed that he had in fact not slept more than a couple of hours. It wasn’t even noon.

“Dan?” Phil said from the living room, waking him up from his half-asleep state. He’d finished his cereal, and was currently nodding off on the kitchen island

“Kitchen,” he mumbled.

“You really didn’t get any sleep last night,” Phil said from the doorway.

“No, I didn’t,” Dan replied with a laugh.

“Join me in the living room?”

He smiled. “Yeah.”

A moment later, Dan was lying on the sofa next to Phil, with his arm around him and a movie he didn’t catch the name of playing in the background. He rested his head against Phil’s side, breathing in line with the rise and fall of his chest. Phil was running his fingers through his hair, slowly, making sure they didn’t get tangled in the mess of his curls.

For the first time since Phil left the other day, Dan let himself relax. Safe. Everything fell back into place, and he let go of everything, every worry, every stray thought, and just let himself be held.

“I love you,” he mumbled against Phil’s chest.

“I love you,” said Phil, and kissed his head.

His mind was quiet, and eventually, he fell asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked it \o/ feel free to leave kudos or a comment if you did, and let me know what you think! (but no pressure!)


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